Afternoon Nap

Everyone always seems to have a picture of daddy and baby sleeping together, and I wondered if I'd ever have the opportunity to capture such a precious moment. I got my chance today.:)

Two Weeks Old

Wow, where does time go?! It feels like forever ago that I went through the labor and delivery of Mr. Caedmon. Here are some pics taken on Friday, October 12.

Trying to capture a smile while holding him.

He's quite smiley, even if it is only reflex at this age.

Looking cute as always!

As of Wednesday, Caedmon was 8 lbs. 11 oz. and 23 inches long.
Whew! We're going to be too long for those 0-3 month clothes in no time!
We're already about touching both sides of the cradle when stretched out!

Postpartum Blues - Phase II

So after I wrote the last post regarding this subject, I started feeling better. The blues only lasted a few days...so I thought. But then I started struggling with different aspects of this new chapter of my life.

All my life, all I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother - specifically a stay-at-home mom. I went to college with the intent of "having something to fall back on" if I ever needed it. But my plan was to get married and have children.:) I never considered myself to be the career type. My best friend in college had the same plan. But then we both got married and ended up supporting our husbands through college. Well, my husband's still in college...

Anyway... I now have everything. I've been a wife for a little over 3 years and now I'm a mother. I got laid off from my job, so I'm a stay-at-home mom for now. And what I thought I'd always wanted is the very thing I'm struggling with.

I'm missing my job. As much as I can't imagine leaving my little one to go back to work, it's driving me crazy being in my house all the time.

I'm having a hard time with feeling like I have a purpose. I know in my head that I have one of the greatest purposes right now - raising a child. But my days are no longer filled with interpreting for pre-K - 5th graders and intelligent conversation with educators. Now I spend all day breast-feeding, changing diapers, and doing laundry and dishes in between; perhaps taking a nap. I'm feeling like life as I know it now is endlessly stretched out before me. I don't even have the weekends to look forward to anymore because everyday presents the same "schedule."

It's difficult to watch Corey go back to his routine - church, school, internship. I know his life has changed with the arrival of Caedmon, but the mechanics of it have changed less so than mine.

I adore my little guy and none of these feelings are directed towards him. I do not wish to go back; I just have to come to grips with where I'm at in life right now.

So, I've been getting out as much as possible. It's nice to have something to do during the day outside of my house. Wednesday night I went to church and youth group and Thursday I went in to the church office to print off a fold bulletins.

Corey tells me that our job provides our identity and with the loss of a job comes the loss of identity. I think this is a sad view, but it is our culture, and I am a part of this culture. So, my identity now... Caedmon's mom I guess... and Corey's wife. Oh how I hate being introduced at church as Corey's wife. Well, that's a whole other subject...

Grandmas

One can never have too many grandmas...or grandpas!:) Just thought I'd post some pictures of the many grandmas Caedmon has. They have provided lots of love and spoiling!:)

Grandma Pat

Grandma Pat came and visited us in the hospital on Saturday. She brought lots of little clothes for Caedmon!

Grandma Sarah
(and Grandpa Bruce)

This is Corey's dad and step-mom. They came down while we were still in the hospital. They went on a shopping spree for me and Caedmon. Dad said he didn't want to go shopping again for a year!:)

Grandma Cindie

Grandma Cindie brought gifts from New York City where her biological grandson, Oliver, was born 4 days before Caedmon.

Grandma Anne

Grandma Anne came and spent the weekend with us. She gave Caedmon lots of love. She also did our laundry, provided us with meals (Caedmon's first restaurant experiences!), and took me shopping for a few items I had not thought of for the nursery. We are so glad she came to stay! She was a great help!

One Week Old

Where does time go?! I can't believe a week has gone by already! Caedmon is doing great! Cute and sweet as ever! The middle picture is daddy and Caedmon's hands. He loves his daddy; they hang out quite a bit! His hands are always up by his face and head!
Thanks Grandma Pat for the cute outfit!:)

Postpartum Blues

You truly don't know what to expect from your body after going through such an ordeal as pregnancy, labor and delivery! I think I pretty much skipped the raging hormones that everyone talks about during pregnancy, but they have now caught up with me! Watch out - here come the tears!!! You know it's bad when watching an episode of Family Guy (which I only watch because I happen to be sitting in the living room while my husband watches it) makes you cry!

I've had a real hard time since we got home. And I'm having trouble putting into words even for myself what the trouble seems to be. But this is what I'm thinking and what Corey has helped me to see.

It's almost like going on a vacation. You plan for it months in advance, anticipate it, look forward to it, the time to go finally arrives, you have a blast, and then...you have to come back home and life goes on in it's normal routine fashion again.

I find out I'm pregnant and for 9 months (almost 10) I experience a variety of emotions - disbelief, uncertainty, excitement, etc. That baby grew inside of me and for half of the pregnancy I could feel his presence as he swam and kicked and did gymnastics:). I prepared for his coming into this world by reading books, taking a class, and getting his room ready. Then I waited...and waited and waited! FINALLY, the time comes for him to be born. And then there's labor. And regardless that it may be only 12 hours compared to the 9 months you just spent, it's something your body will never go through for any other reason in life! And the moment I've been waiting for, that I've pictured in my mind, having my baby placed on my chest immediately after delivery; that moment finally arrives! Then there's the newness of it all, the visitors, the celebration, and of course, the hospital stay.

But then you go home. It's still new, Corey's stayed at home all week, visitors still come, but the climax is over. I can't seem to get over the fact that I'm no longer pregnant and I'm no longer anticipating that moment. Don't get me wrong; I have no desire to have that belly back and I'm loving every minute with Caedmon, but...I don't even know.

I think I need some semblance of a routine back, minus Corey going back to work.:) I need to be up and showered and have my day started before noon; I need to be able to do my laundry and pick up around my house; I need to go grocery shopping, or go to church, or just take a walk.

And the worst time of day for me is at night. As soon as it starts getting dark, I become a mess and who knows how many times I might cry or how many tears I might shed.

Corey tells me this is normal. He tells me that my emotions must heal along with my body - that I've been through a lot! He tells me that it might be easier if I can enjoy these valleys rather than fight them.

I'm just hoping these "blues" don't last too long!

Being A Family

I've had blogs going through my head and no time to write. Caedmon is sleeping and I attempted to take a nap, but I've become very bad at falling asleep during the day.:( He'll probably wake up soon and want to eat, so I better type quickly!:)

Today is Day 6 of Caedmon's life and about Day 4 of life at home. Corey and I never talked about what he would do with his responsibilities once baby was born, so I didn't know he would take the week off, and boy am I glad he did! It's amazing how such a small bundle can bring with it soo much work!

Corey is an absolute natural at this dad thing! And from the looks of it, he's loving every minute! I love to sit back and observe the two of them together! Corey's going to have his son at the computer, reading books, and answering Jeopardy questions in no time! It's been such a pleasure to watch Corey being a dad. I didn't have any expectations of Corey, positive or negative, but I think because of my own background, in my mind, the mother is the sole caregiver for the children. So it's been wonderful to fully share the responsibilities of taking care of Caedmon, diaper changing included!:) And Caedmon may be taking after his father with the sleep schedule - he tends to be wide awake in the late hours of the evening, and Corey takes over while I get some sleep.

Caedmon is a wonderful baby! He's not fussy, yet anyway.:) He cries when he's hungry and often when he's getting his diaper changed; otherwise he sleeps and during his awake times, he's just very alert and observant.

We're enjoying being a family - with no interruptions; I'm dreading Corey going back to work, school, and his internship next week!

A New Chapter In Our Life Begins

September 28, 2007, my precious son, Caedmon Emmanuel, came into this world at 11:50a.m. He weighed 8 lbs. 6ozs. and measured 22 inches long. Whew! Had not expected to have that big of a baby! Totally makes sense now why his moving about towards the end was sooo uncomfortable!

Pic #1 was taken on Day 1, pic #2 was taken on Day 2.


I don't even know where to begin; my mind is spinning with details and I'm not sure what to focus on.

I was starting to feel pretty sure that this day would never come, so as I had contractions throughout the day on Thursday, I basically ignored them. I was so sick of false alarms. Even that night, as they were coming closer together, I continued to ignore them. But then I went to bed at 12:30a.m. and when Corey came back just to "tuck me in":), he never ended up leaving again. As soon as I laid down, they started coming harder and at about 4 min. apart. We counted for a couple hours before we finally decided it was time to go to the hospital and call our doula.
It was so weird to finally be in that hospital for something I'd been waiting for for over 9 months!

Labor is not something you can ever fully prepare for! I thought I was doing really good till my water broke! Wow! Then the pain REALLY started!

My doula was awesome - couldn't have done it without her!

Everything went the way I wanted - no surprises to deal with. But I did about everything I had said I wouldn't.:) Guess you never know till you're in the situation. Had wanted to use a birthing stool rather than laying in bed. I'd learned about gravity being a huge help when you're delivering, but when it came to that point, I couldn't move! I'm not sure I was even conscious - they asked me a couple times if I wanted to switch positions - I don't even think I could answer them. Regardless, my baby was born!:)

My midwife had me pull him up onto my stomach (that was as far as his cord would go), and later I had to ask Corey if I'd even done it; I was so out of it.

I watched Corey cry as Caedmon came out - a precious memory I'll never forget! I cried when he was finally laying on me, although I think my crying was partly involuntary. (My body's never gone through so much!)

What an absolute miracle the entire process of conception all the way to delivery is! How amazing our bodies are! What a gift a baby is!

Still Here

You know, Braxton Hicks contractions I can handle because they don't mean a whole lot. But when the contractions are the real thing, you spend an entire evening timing them, you think this is the real thing...and then they stop. I don't know how much more of this I can handle! They were pretty strong yesterday too! I'm going crazy!

I had to convince Corey to go about his schedule today (internship in G.R. a half hour away)- there's no use in two of us sitting around waiting for things to happen!

I plan to go for a walk and then see if I can find something to do to distract me. This baby truly is stubborn!

Doctor's Appointment

Latest update - 100% effaced, a roomy 3cm dilated, and I'm told my baby is just stubborn. My husband thinks that he/she takes after me.:/ Friday I have to go in for an ultrasound to check the amniotic fluid and have a non stress test to make sure baby is happy. I'm really hoping I don't make it to those appointments! I've been having more intense contractions since my appt. Maybe she stirred things up a bit in there!:) I don't want to hope too much, but I can't help it. I'll try to keep you posted! Corey will probably be the first to blog once baby's born - so check his site - it's a link on mine.

It Came and Went

My due date that is...uneventful!:( You know, I've always assumed first babies are late. And that's what I had in my head. But there were a couple babies around me born early and they were firsts. Then there's my midwife - I think I'm silently cursing her. She kept throwing hope out there -"I don't think you'll make it to your due date." ,"3cm, 80% effaced - looking good! This weekend would be good!" AGGHH!!

I was doing o.k. until last night. Last night I felt real emotional and completely hopeless. What good are all the contractions I've been having - they don't materialize into the real thing! I feel right now like this baby is never going to come out. And last night when he/she decided to wake up at 11:30p.m. and stay up until after 1a.m., I wasn't too happy with him either. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin!

Have a doctor's appt. today. I'm sure she'll want to check things out and see how it's going down there. At this point, I'm not sure if I want to know or not! I'm convinced this baby ain't coming out till October!:( And no matter how many new moms tell me to enjoy this time while I have it...I just can't seem to do so. Waiting is difficult!

Walking

Saturday, Sept.22, Corey and I took the mile trail through the woods at Hoffmaster State Park. We stopped halfway and sat on a log to eat our lunch. It was a lovely day! The walk was a little exhausting for me, but I think I did o.k. I keep thinking if I walk and walk and do some more walking, maybe baby will take a hint!:) (And for those of you who plan to respond with other suggestions, I've heard 'em all!:))

The trail comes out on the beach, but Corey decided to take the trail back the way we came and see how fast he could do it...without me to slow him down.:) I, on the other hand, enjoyed a leisurely walk on the beach and about 10 min. of just sitting and staring out at the lake, as well as trying to get some pictures of my profile.:)
But, as you know, since you're reading this post, baby has yet to take the hint...:/ We are still waiting on our little one to make an appearance, hopefully this week!

Oh yeah, and even though our dog drives me crazy most of the time, I thought this was a pretty cute picture of him.

Feeling Better!

Yeah!!! My camera battery charger has been found! What a relief! There's no way I wanted to pay $50 for a new one! And to get one cheaper off the internet would have required time - which I may have and I may not.

My dear Phil, the guy that rents a room from us, had been helping me out ever since I told him - on the internet, suggesting stores to call, etc. And he's the one who ended up finding it! Come to find out, it was one of my cleaning raids that put it in a random place.:/

Just thought I'd let you all know.:)

Crabby!

Goodness, I've been crabby lately! I think I need this pregnancy thing to be done! It doesn't help when you keep finding out at doctor's appointments that your body seems to be very much ready for the big day, but that big day does not come!

One cause of my crabbiness has been my camera. Yeah, I know, weird. But my battery went dead the other day and when I went to get my charger, I couldn't find if anywhere! Still can't! How do you lose something like that?! So I'm freaking out, because I could go into labor at any moment and I don't even have a camera to take pictures of my newborn baby! AGGHH!

Perhaps another cause of the frustration I'm feeling is false hope. Last night, I was awake for about 3 hours, experiencing my first real contractions. Oh boy, I thought, I may be having this baby today! But I finally was able to go back to sleep, and when I woke up, nothing was happening!:( Bummer. I did have a few plans today that I didn't want to miss...careful what you wish for I guess!

And it's HOT! The heat has not been too bothersome this summer, but it might be getting to me today.

So my poor husband takes off not long after I come home, saying, "call if you go into labor." Guess I don't want to be around me right now either.

So anyway... hopefully tomorrow will be better!

Going Stir Crazy!

So I didn't think this was possible with me! Whenever people say they're bored, I always laugh and say I don't know the meaning of the word! But I can tell I need a job! I've had the whole summer to get projects done and now that I'm about to have this baby anytime, I'm kind of limited in the projects I can do. I'm ready for baby - I've done about all I can do. I've got 4 meals in my freezer (don't think I have room for more), my laundry's caught up...I'm going crazy! Now I'm looking for things to do. I think I'll change my wardrobe since I'll be in my regular clothes (hopefully!) soon and it's getting cool out. Maybe I'll do some baking. And I'm thinking, if baby still hasn't come, next week I'll clean the house; maybe just one room a day - spread it out and keep me from doing too much.

I love to read, but I guess I'm not very good and just sitting down and reading all day. I have to be "productive" first, and then take a break.

Waiting is difficult! I'm starting to wonder if baby's every going to come out and see the world!:)