Thursday, August 23, 2007

Stop the Clock!

I've been feeling kind of frustrated lately and here's why. Birth seems a little like death to me in that life goes on no matter what! If you've ever had someone close to you die, I'm sure you just want time to stop. Everyone around you goes on about their lives, continuing to work and make future plans and you just want to crawl into a ball and stay there awhile, grieving and reliving the memories.

So, I'm sure you're wondering how birth can be anything like death.

Well, for me right now, my whole life revolves around the little one inside me. All my thoughts, everything I do these days seem to focus in on baby. For me, everything points to that momentous time of birth and life with baby afterwards. But for everyone else, life still goes on.

I was sitting in a youth leader meeting a few weeks back and felt utterly frustrated that we could be discussing activities we needed to plan for for the next few months. I kept thinking, "But I might go into labor," or "I'll have an infant and I won't be able to participate." I think it's especially frustrating that Corey is in charge of the youth events and so he pretty much has to be involved. And I guess this leaves me feeling kind of alone.

This is probably pretty selfish, but I fear being left out of everything. I remember talking about this with my mother a long time ago and she related her own experience with this. It was after I was born and a group of young adults went to Cedar Point or Great America (can't remember which one) and she had to stay home with me. She said she kind of resented me for it, but realized how selfish she was. I'm not sure I believe she was that selfish. I mean, who wants to be left out?! And this is my fear - stuck at home taking care of baby while Corey goes out and has all the fun.

Perhaps I'll just tag along anyway, with baby on my hip!:)

Don't get me wrong! I love this baby inside of me with all that I am and I'm so excited to have this new little addition to our family! It's just that at times the reality of my life about to change is kind of daunting.

Life does and will go on! Baby will come, hopefully Corey will be close in range, and life will go on... with a few changes.


Mikaela said...

Keelie :O)
You always had a way with words and nothing has changed. I have been struggling lately with this very feeling. I get left home and Luke gets to have all the fun. It wasn't always like that because Traeger was more mobile and would contently stay in his car seat while we went places. However, it's changed within the last few months. Now he's just a little man on the go which leaves me to not be able to converse much with others and feel very much alone. I just talked with a friend about this on Sunday because I had been struggling and become quite bitter about it. We talked for over an hour about it but the most profound thing she said to be was within the first 5 minutes. It was this "do you feel called to be a mother and a wife?...this is what it looks like" UGH! It brought me to immediate tears because yes of course I want to be a mother and wife but this isn't exactly what I thought it would look like. I didn't think I'd feel so much on the outside and like everyone else gets to have fun but me. But it left me to fall to me knees and ask God to walk me through this different stage of life. It isn't going to look like what the single or married without kids stages looked like. I believe you will be an amazing mom and with that means sacrificing your time in other areas to be able to focus on the "mission" God is about to begin with you with Baby LeCureux. I'm walking this frustrating and difficult road right now and know it's going to be a long journey to finding contentment in the stage I'm at. So if you ever want to call and process through it with me I'm all ears and I even understand your husband's role as a youth pastor and all that emcompasses with having little ones. I love you girl. Know you are not alone in this feeling. You will be an amazing mom!

Keelie said...

Thanks Mikaela! It's nice to know I'm not alone in this! Thanks for sharing your friend's words of wisdom!
Don't you forget for a second what an awesome mom YOU are!
I'll probably be calling at some point in the future to process!:)