Saturday, October 13, 2007

Postpartum Blues - Phase II

So after I wrote the last post regarding this subject, I started feeling better. The blues only lasted a few days...so I thought. But then I started struggling with different aspects of this new chapter of my life.

All my life, all I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother - specifically a stay-at-home mom. I went to college with the intent of "having something to fall back on" if I ever needed it. But my plan was to get married and have children.:) I never considered myself to be the career type. My best friend in college had the same plan. But then we both got married and ended up supporting our husbands through college. Well, my husband's still in college...

Anyway... I now have everything. I've been a wife for a little over 3 years and now I'm a mother. I got laid off from my job, so I'm a stay-at-home mom for now. And what I thought I'd always wanted is the very thing I'm struggling with.

I'm missing my job. As much as I can't imagine leaving my little one to go back to work, it's driving me crazy being in my house all the time.

I'm having a hard time with feeling like I have a purpose. I know in my head that I have one of the greatest purposes right now - raising a child. But my days are no longer filled with interpreting for pre-K - 5th graders and intelligent conversation with educators. Now I spend all day breast-feeding, changing diapers, and doing laundry and dishes in between; perhaps taking a nap. I'm feeling like life as I know it now is endlessly stretched out before me. I don't even have the weekends to look forward to anymore because everyday presents the same "schedule."

It's difficult to watch Corey go back to his routine - church, school, internship. I know his life has changed with the arrival of Caedmon, but the mechanics of it have changed less so than mine.

I adore my little guy and none of these feelings are directed towards him. I do not wish to go back; I just have to come to grips with where I'm at in life right now.

So, I've been getting out as much as possible. It's nice to have something to do during the day outside of my house. Wednesday night I went to church and youth group and Thursday I went in to the church office to print off a fold bulletins.

Corey tells me that our job provides our identity and with the loss of a job comes the loss of identity. I think this is a sad view, but it is our culture, and I am a part of this culture. So, my identity now... Caedmon's mom I guess... and Corey's wife. Oh how I hate being introduced at church as Corey's wife. Well, that's a whole other subject...

4 comments:

friend said...

Oh yes , I remember so well the feelings you are describing! To get a hold of the fact that what you are doing is priceless and then internalizing it will take a while .I truly struggled with this almost the whole time I was raising my kids.It helped so much to hear my hubby say their is no way I could pay someone what it would cost to do what you do.Also , that he would eat mac'n'cheese for supper every night so WE could raise our kids.Just remember Keelie,work will be there when the kids enter school if you choose to send them.Or if you choose to go back to work outside the home.(I found out even after 15 years I had no problem finding a job).One thing is to get with other moms or friends so you won't feel so isolated.What a journey the two of you are starting, enjoy:) the good times and the hard times--take it from a mom who knows, children will make you very strong or they will make you insane;)

Mikaela said...

Keelie :O)
I totally support and AMEN everything "friend said." You are an awesome chica! God has gifted and blessed you to be Keelie, a beautiful child of God's, Caedmon's mom and Corey's wife. I'll be praying that you would choose to find joy and contentment in even the mundane tasks. I'm walking this journey with you girl and praying that I too would find my identity in Christ and not what this culture is telling me to be "truth"!

Laura said...

Keelie -

I can not have said it better than the previous two posts. It has been 8 years for me being "my kid's mom". I just had this conversation with my husband this AM. About how I don't feel like I have a purpose and how I never thought I'd be "here", how I'd have a real paying job and be a part of something productive...then I realize - "what on earth could be more productive than raising my kids"? God is in the details...he has put us right where he wants us at the moment...even if we aren't so sure.

Another mom walking this same journey -

friend said...

All you young, beautiful ladies out there doin the mommy thing --I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU AND LOOKING FOR WAYS TO BE AN ENCOURAGEMENT TO YOU!